1 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:12,640 (lift bell rings) 2 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,640 (yelling) 3 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,040 It's fixed, the time machine's fixed! 4 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:23,880 Wait, wait, wait. 5 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,880 Is it fixed? Does it work? 6 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:32,120 No, but how do I know this is real and I'm awake 7 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:33,920 and this is not some kind of sick dream? 8 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:34,640 Argh! 9 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,920 Homeless Pete, that fucking hurt! 10 00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:40,920 Which means I'm not dreaming, 11 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,680 which means I can go home! 12 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,240 Yes! 13 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,080 Homeless Pete. - Yeah? 14 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:53,480 When was the last time you had a bath? 15 00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,520 1859. 16 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,360 Da da da da da da, hey! 17 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,240 Da da da da da da, hey! 18 00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:06,960 Da da da da da da, hey! 19 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,000 Da da da da da da, hey! 20 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,920 Goodbye olden days, hello South London! 21 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,600 The streets paved with fake hair and chicken bones. 22 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,280 I'm going straight to JDs to get some Reeboks. 23 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,760 These brogues are brukking up my bunions, man. 24 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,720 I just feel so underwhelmed. 25 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:25,480 We had this opportunity to visit the past, and what have we done with our time here? 26 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,120 We could always do something meaningful before we go, 27 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,880 like kill Hitler or blow up the Death Star. 28 00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:31,880 I've achieved a lot. 29 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,400 By becoming the sugar child of a rich white woman? 30 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:35,320 Exactly. 31 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,840 Shit, Victoria's gonna be gutted when she finds out I'm leaving. 32 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:42,480 Maybe I'll get her a rose and a pen. 33 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,200 Breaking hearts is hard, man. 34 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,960 This entire time I've been treading on eggshells, 35 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,160 thinking Homeless Pete sent us back for some higher purpose. 36 00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,920 I think it's safe to say he's just a bum 37 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,080 who jacked up in a lift and found a wormhole. 38 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,840 So it's just random, us being here? 39 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:58,840 I could have done anything, but I've just wasted my-, 40 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,440 Your entire life, yeah. 41 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,800 I was going to say my time here. 42 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,680 Right, so we've got one more day in the '20s, and I could do anything. 43 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,480 I could act like a dick and it wouldn't matter? 44 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,560 You do act like a dick because you are a dick. 45 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:12,880 But no, it doesn't matter. 46 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:16,240 So stop living in the never-never and live in the now. 47 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:20,480 How'd that feel? 48 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:21,320 Awful. 49 00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,000 Yet liberating. 50 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,400 Right, enjoy. I'm off to spend my last day shopping. 51 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,600 Someone wanna tell Curtis the good news? 52 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:31,960 Hey chicken. 53 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,240 The time machine's fixed now, so we can go home 54 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,720 and get you the medical help you so urgently need. 55 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,480 Safe, safe. 56 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,160 Right after Lauren's done a spot of shopping. 57 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,720 I'm a dick! 58 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:48,040 Babes, can we talk? 59 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:49,920 Not now, darlington. 60 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:53,120 I'm late for a sitting with this exciting young artist 61 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:56,240 who makes people look all back to front. 62 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,560 I'm so modern! 63 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,120 Baby, listen. 64 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,400 Ah, where to begin? 65 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,920 Maybe I should do this naked. 66 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,800 Women always feel better when they see me naked. 67 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:13,880 I'm leaving. 68 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:15,200 Oh, I know that. 69 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,120 The gangly boring one told me. 70 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,400 You must be goose-pimplingly excited. 71 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,960 Shh, it's okay baby, it's okay. 72 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:25,480 Well, don't think I'll let you go without throwing a horribly super party. 73 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:27,080 No need to be brave. 74 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:28,560 Let it out. 75 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,480 Right, must dash. Artists are very temperamental. 76 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,320 Goodness knows what he might do to me if I'm late. 77 00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:49,600 Wow! 78 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:50,560 It's too much, innit? 79 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:51,960 I like it. You look like Puff Daddy. 80 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:53,400 It's not usually my thing 81 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,640 but the guy at the shop said I could open an account. 82 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,320 No credit check or nothing. 83 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,880 It was the same everywhere. 84 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,160 Fabergé, Chanel, Cartier. 85 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,320 These are real diamonds, Horace! - Ahh, shiny! 86 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,200 I'm gonna make a mint when I put these on eBay. 87 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,040 But how you gonna pay off the credit if we're leaving? 88 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,680 I'm never gonna have to pay it off cos I'll be in another century. 89 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:12,960 That's why you're smart. When we get back, you should so do a TED talk. 90 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:14,520 Oh my days, have you seen Nick? 91 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,400 Last time I saw him, he was leaving the toilet seat up. 92 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:17,840 Said it was something he'd always wanted to do. 93 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,720 Yeah, well I think he's taken it up a notch. 94 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,680 Did Victoria give him a bit of er-, (sniffs) 95 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:25,880 Nah, that's all him. 96 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,080 Now he knows he's going home, he's finally having the time of his life. 97 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,120 (yelling) 98 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:32,840 My friends! 99 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,120 Ahh, I fucking love this tune! 100 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:42,080 Pull up! 101 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,760 We need to get him a smash. 102 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:44,640 Charming. 103 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,680 The cherry on the perfect final night, which for a man is having sex. 104 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,720 So you need to get him a smash. 105 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,080 What am I, a pimp? 106 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,600 Do you really want me to answer that? 107 00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,360 Sorry about this, fella. 108 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:04,280 But as your GP, I'm prescribing you one cheeky course of champagne. 109 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:05,360 I don't want it. 110 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:15,960 What's up with you? 111 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:16,840 No, nothing. 112 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,080 It's just, look at her. 113 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:20,880 She's crushed. 114 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:22,840 Yeah, she looks devo. 115 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,000 It is a bit rude she isn't more sad, innit? 116 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,120 Maybe she's not made the link between me leaving, 117 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,320 and not being able to have sex with me. 118 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:31,720 Uh-huh. 119 00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:34,760 It's times like this I wish I could just send a dick pic, you know? 120 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:36,720 (bell rings) 121 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,280 I'd like to say a few words on behalf of me and my friends, 122 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,960 because as you know, we are leaving tomorrow. 123 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:42,840 Aww. 124 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:43,720 Yeah, innit? 125 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:47,080 I'd like to, er, say a special thank you to Victoria, 126 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:52,080 who has so kindly welcomed us into her life, her home, 127 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:56,360 and me into her bed, and her herself. 128 00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,960 - Alright, wrap it up mate. - I'm not finished. 129 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:05,920 A body I will no longer be inside of, because I will be gone, never to return. 130 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,440 No more sex for you, because tomorrow-, 131 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:10,920 Thank you, precious. 132 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,640 In other news, and the main reason we're all here, 133 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,120 the big unveiling. 134 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:19,440 A painting of me! 135 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,160 (applause) 136 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:23,320 It's so modern I could die! 137 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,760 Thank you, Pablo, you've absolutely captured my perfect nose! 138 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:29,560 Somewhere. 139 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:34,240 Now let's all drink to excess and celebrate me, me, me! 140 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,320 Moo! 141 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,920 Aw, where's your Puff Daddy coat? 142 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,440 I gave it to someone. 143 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:45,760 They did me a favour. 144 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,120 You're so generous with your stolen goods, Lauren. 145 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,120 I know, right? 146 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:52,560 Wee-wee time. 147 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:54,480 Ahh. 148 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:17,480 'Allo. 149 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,720 I have a cigarette that needs lighting. 150 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:22,520 Er, yeah? 151 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,240 I think there are some matches in the toilet. 152 00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:32,120 Erm, I've just been holding my penis 153 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,480 so my hands are a bit penisy, do you mind? 154 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:36,760 Why would I? 155 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:44,240 Is that good? 156 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,160 The best. Turkish blend. 157 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,840 I feel my lungs curl with every inhale. 158 00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:52,560 I've never smoked. 159 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,320 Ahh, that's good. 160 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,160 (vomiting) 161 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,880 I suppose it gets easier the more you do it? 162 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,880 Doesn't everything? 163 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,160 Oggy oggy oggy! Oi oi oi! 164 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:26,400 That's why I've decided to not give a shit, you know? 165 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,640 Have fun, fuck it all. 166 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:31,280 Do you like fun? 167 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,120 I love fun. 168 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,560 I know a place where we could have fun. 169 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:38,360 Privately. 170 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,080 As in sexually. 171 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,680 We don't have to go full penetration but I'd rather we did, 172 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,880 you know, because that's the kind of guy I am now. 173 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:48,640 And I've got nothing to lose by asking. 174 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,520 Life's too short, huh? 175 00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,200 It's actually not, but I'm just toying with this new Nick angle. 176 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,680 So back to me asking you for sex. 177 00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:01,160 Now I know you may say no or think that I'm some kind of psycho, 178 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,400 but who cares, right? 179 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:05,120 Because I'm just a person and you're just a-, 180 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:08,720 Is that a yes? 181 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:13,000 Why don't you show me this place of yours? 182 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:14,440 Okay. 183 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,640 Er, this is kind of awkward and a bit of an old Nick thing to ask, but-, 184 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,320 have you had an STD check-up recently? 185 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:25,680 STD? 186 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,360 Venereal diseases. Gonorrhea, syphilis, genital warts. 187 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,000 I understand they're rife and, like, hard to shift. 188 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,880 Oh! Ooo la la! 189 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,240 Don't we need to leave soon? 190 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:55,800 What have you got in there? 191 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,960 Furs, Fabergé eggs, first editions. 192 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,400 New shit that's about to become vintage shit, and worth a shitload. 193 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,400 Yeah, well it ain't gonna fit in the lift, so-, 194 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,360 The hell it won't. Give me a hand. 195 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,240 I'll give you 1% of what I make. 196 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,640 Is that, like, half? 197 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:12,480 Yeah. 198 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:14,640 Victoria! 199 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,440 Oh, morning. 200 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,800 I didn't know you were still here. 201 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:22,280 Well, I guess this is goodbye. 202 00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,160 Hmm. Well. 203 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,960 Victoria, wait! What, is that it? 204 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,040 Oh, of course! For all the entertainment. 205 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,400 I don't carry actual money. Do you take cheques? 206 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,360 Nah, babes. I don't want your money. 207 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,760 I want you, innit? Come with me. 208 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:40,960 Dearheart, I couldn't possibly. 209 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:45,960 Hot places are so unbecoming, and I can only imagine where you're from is very hot. 210 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,120 Victoria, I've fallen in love with you. 211 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:53,560 So if you don't wanna come with me then-, I guess I'll stay. 212 00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,440 My sweet, sweet Creole cupcake. 213 00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,720 I fear you'd be staying just for me, that makes my tummy come over all queer. 214 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,080 - It's called love, baby. - Or is it nausea? I think it's nausea. 215 00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,640 Goodbyes are so hard and yet, farewell forever! 216 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:13,880 Oh, I'm late! 217 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:17,680 Look, Jason-, 218 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,160 I don't want to talk about it. 219 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:24,480 Er, well, if we're on the topic of love, 220 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,640 I should probably chuck in that I'm married. 221 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,840 It was instant chemistry, you know? 222 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:40,880 She was kind and sweet, and she said I was charming and funny, 223 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,240 and I said people think of me as a young Chris Rock, 224 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,080 and she laughed even though she didn't know who Chris Rock was. 225 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,600 Get to the part where you decided to throw your life away. 226 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:54,480 We laughed and kissed and joked and kissed, and before you knew it, 227 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:59,960 our bodies were intertwined making deep, hard love 'til dawn 228 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:01,280 behind a set of bins. 229 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,160 Jesus Christ, you were only supposed to have sex with her. 230 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,640 - What? - What? 231 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,920 When you meet a girl, you have sex, 232 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:11,040 maybe you make her breakfast in the morning. 233 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,440 You lie about keeping in touch on Facebook. 234 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:16,640 Who proposes to a one-night stand? 235 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:17,760 I did. 236 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,960 Yeah, and need I remind you she cheated on you? 237 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:24,480 Wait, so you married her and now you're just gonna leave her? 238 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:24,960 I'm not leaving. 239 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,720 - Screw the fact that she's in love with you. - I'm staying. 240 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,840 That she gave you her heart, despite the social stigma 241 00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,480 of interracial relationships in this age of ignorance. 242 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,400 Now fuck all that yeah? - No, I'm staying. 243 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:35,600 Oh. 244 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:36,400 What? 245 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:40,200 Nick, I know you're a dick but please, don't be a bigger dick now. 246 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,320 'Stop living in the never-never and live in the now.' 247 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:43,840 Who fed you that bullshit? 248 00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:44,640 You! 249 00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,960 You know nothing about this woman. 250 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,240 Er, her name's Nicola and she is-, 251 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:54,480 my everything! 252 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:55,960 She told you her name's Nicola? 253 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,800 Wait. Nick, Nicola, Nicola, Nick, 254 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:03,240 Nicola, Nick, Nick, Nicola, Nick-, that is too cute! 255 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:04,960 I'm so made up for you bruv. 256 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,880 (screaming) 257 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,080 Thank you! 258 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:12,720 Thank you. 259 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:14,280 I'm glad someone is. 260 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:20,240 If you'll excuse me, my wife and I are moving into our new lodgings. 261 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,160 Fam, I want you to take my Rolex. 262 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:30,640 Sell it, buy something nice for your new life. 263 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,160 The life I'll never have. 264 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,120 You know this is fake, right? 265 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:42,840 I mean, ahh, thank you! That's wicked. 266 00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:48,720 So, erm, before you go, come for supper? 267 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:51,960 Right. 268 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,560 Where you going? We're supposed to be leaving. 269 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,960 Nick has inspired me to do whatever it takes to be with my true love, Victoria. 270 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:03,600 Oh my God! 271 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:08,080 So there's no drinking, and we must share a kitchen, but-, 272 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:09,800 Ta-daa! 273 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,960 What do you think? 274 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,200 Yeah. 275 00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,240 Yeah! 276 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:20,560 Super cosy. 277 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:22,800 Argh! 278 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:28,640 When you get a big job, we can buy a villa in Clapham. 279 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,120 Yeah, big job. 280 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:36,480 What can't a black trumpeter with a 2:2 in Media Studies do in 1920s London? 281 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:48,880 I thought we was going home? 282 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,400 I'm not leaving without my brother. 283 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,560 Well, you tell Curtis to his dying face that we're not going home yet. 284 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,760 We're not going home yet. 285 00:14:58,720 --> 00:14:59,960 At least we get to meet Nicola. 286 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,240 I already have. 287 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:01,840 When? 288 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,680 When I discovered that a mink coat can buy you anything. 289 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:05,360 I don't get it. 290 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,480 - Nicola is not Nicola. She's a pros-, - Here it is! 291 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,680 Oh God, we need to get him out of here. 292 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,920 Oh, hey guys! Come on in! 293 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:17,440 Oh, Curtis says hi. 294 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,960 He started coughing up blood halfway up the stairs so-, 295 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,120 What's that music? 296 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,640 Oh, there's a Chinese opium den below us. Try not to take deep breaths. 297 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,400 So what do you think? 298 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,640 Well, it might not look much-, 299 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,840 - But? - Nah, that's it. 300 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:34,680 It is a fixer-upper, but I really think it could be something. 301 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:38,960 Lick of paint, carpet, thicker windows to block out the racial slurs, 302 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,720 maybe some curtains. 303 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:42,960 Hey! 304 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,960 (loud kissing) 305 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:47,160 Hello? 306 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,280 Oh, sorry. 307 00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:54,560 Erm, sweet baby mouth Nicola, this is Horace and my little sister Lauren. 308 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:55,640 'Allo! 309 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:57,560 Congratulations! 310 00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:58,560 Merci! 311 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:00,400 Welcome to the family. 312 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,080 What d'you do for a living, Nicola? 313 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:03,640 Oh, this and that. 314 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,320 Sorry, did you say 'dicks and that'? 315 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,760 Are you guys gonna try for a baby straight away? 316 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,960 Oh, well, I suppose this house probably isn't the best place to-, 317 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:16,160 I love babies! We want at least six! 318 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,520 The pill's not been invented yet, so won't be long now. 319 00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:19,880 We do have a sheath. 320 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:20,920 A sheath? 321 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,400 It's reusable, but Nicola doesn't like the faff. 322 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,360 You do know there's no cure for syphilis yet? 323 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:29,080 Oh, don't worry, I checked. Nicola was a virgin when we met. 324 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:30,640 A virgin? 325 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,320 Isn't it beautiful? 326 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,960 I'm the only man who's ever been inside of her. 327 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,440 That's so cute. 328 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,560 Erm, where's your toilet please? 329 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,360 You go toilet in a bucket now? 330 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,240 It's fine, it's actually a healthier position for evacuating. 331 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,040 You're not happy, I can see it in your eyes. 332 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,560 This might be our only chance. Come home, Nicholas! 333 00:16:55,920 --> 00:17:00,280 Why don't you fix us a cocktail, angel ears? 334 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,920 Okay, honey lips. 335 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,480 Oh God, oh fuck, oh God. What the fuck am I doing here? 336 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:17,440 I only paid you to sleep with him! 337 00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,960 I can't helps I'm irresistible. 338 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,400 You're not even French! 339 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,120 I'm whatever he wants, love. 340 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,680 Nice fellas like him don't grow on trees. 341 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:26,920 But you don't even love him! 342 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,840 I fucks him and I looks nice, what more d's he want? 343 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,160 Do you want me to tell him you're a prostitute? I'll do it! 344 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,840 Oh, d'you want me to tell him his sister paid a prostitute? 345 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,680 - Oh, you skank! - You skank! 346 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,120 Don't call me a skank, you skank! 347 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:43,240 Nope! 348 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,560 Eh, 'low it man. 349 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:47,520 Eh, put it down! 350 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:48,880 - Hey Curtis. 351 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:52,760 Wagwan? 352 00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:56,440 I feel like she's ripped out my guts and shat on my heart, bruv. 353 00:17:57,920 --> 00:17:58,400 Victoria? 354 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,400 I caught her in bed with another guy. 355 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,280 And a girl. And the girl's mum. 356 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,320 And she was like, 'Sorry,' and then gave me this keepsake. 357 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:11,040 What do I want with some picture that looks like a kid did it? 358 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,560 I wish I had a picture of Eleasha. 359 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,520 I get it now, bruv. 360 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,640 Why you were chasing me down, trying to kill me. 361 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,880 It's because it hurt you that I slept with your girl. 362 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:24,400 Wait. 363 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,760 So you did sleep with Eleasha? 364 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,200 Did I say sleep with? Nah, I meant slept next to her, bruv. 365 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,400 Bruv, I swear down I'm gonna kill you! 366 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,640 It's all kicking off up there-, Curtis! 367 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,560 I swear I didn't touch the man. 368 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,640 We're losing him. 369 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,560 GandTs all round. 370 00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:45,800 Yeah, yeah, sweet. 371 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,520 We were just bonding, she was showing me her-, 372 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,840 Feet. So pretty! 373 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,200 We were just having a girly talk and Nicola's worried 374 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,880 she might not have told you the truth about how you two came to-, 375 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:57,640 She's teasing! 376 00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,880 Er, what's going on? 377 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,160 She-, I'm-, 378 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,200 Nothing. 379 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,360 We've gotta get back right now. 380 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,760 Curtis is dying! 381 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:11,960 Shit. Right. Well, this is it. 382 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:13,880 This is goodbye, Nick. 383 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,480 Good luck with your one-bed shack 384 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:19,960 and your virgin wife who I hope doesn't die in childbirth, 385 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,680 and your kids who I hope don't die of polio, 386 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,560 and yourself who I hope doesn't die from a prolapsed anus 387 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,760 while shitting to death on a bucket. 388 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,320 You can't die from shitting. 389 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:30,720 My uncle did. 390 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:31,960 What? 391 00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,560 I nursed him to death. But don't worry, I'll nurse you too. 392 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,400 I'll hold your hand and sing to you 393 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,640 while I sluice your anus with a vinegar enema. 394 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:43,720 We gotta go! 395 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,680 Nick! Nicholas! 396 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:50,960 Look, baby nose, as much as I love our new life and our home, 397 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,000 I think you'd love my old home so much more. 398 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,480 I mean, that speech wasn't really for her. 399 00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,480 She is my wife! 400 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:05,120 Er, there's free healthcare, basic sanitation, and racial equality laws. 401 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:10,640 There's fried chicken shops on every corner, Boris bikes, contactless. 402 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,120 Honey eyes, it's incredible! 403 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,120 Angel lips, 404 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,160 it sounds wonderful! 405 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,880 (laughter) 406 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,480 Ah, let's get out of this shithole! 407 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:27,120 My stolen stuff, it's been fucking stolen! 408 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,480 Let's go, people! Home time! 409 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:37,400 What's that? 410 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,640 It's that shit picture Pablo did of Victoria. 411 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:40,960 I don't even want it. 412 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:41,920 I'll have it. 413 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:55,120 Hey Homeless Pete! 414 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,440 Just in time, mate. 415 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,760 Thanks for this, for Nicola. 416 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:03,120 So you know? 417 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:03,880 Know what? 418 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:05,640 About her being a sex worker? 419 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,640 I meant you teaching me to be the new Nick. 420 00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:08,840 Sorry, who's a sex worker? 421 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,360 So that's what you meant when you said you bought Nicola for Nick? 422 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:13,600 Duh! 423 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,520 Did my sister pay you to have sex with me? 424 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,520 I would have told you one day, I swear! 425 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,960 What happened to your sexy accent? 426 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,400 It comes and goes. 427 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,080 Argh! 428 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:34,080 [NICK] That was a waste of time. 429 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,040 [JASON] Don't worry mate, I probably would have slept with her anyway. 430 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,400 [NICK] Let's just go home. 431 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:44,880 Where's Homeless Pete? 432 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,640 [JASON] 21st century, here we come! 433 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:01,960 (lift bell rings) 434 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,000 Welcome... to Jurassic Park. 435 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,920 (dinosaur roars) 436 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,480 Arghh!